American Idol Week 3 Update

Yeah, I called it. My top 3 picks are on to the final 12.

1. Lil Rounds
2. Scott MacIntyre
3. Jorge Nunez

I'm that good (pathetic).

American Idol Week 3 Recap

I fully admit that I am hopelessly fascinated / in-love with American Idol. That being said, I think the early rounds of auditions are absolutely despicable. They march out the freaks of society that think they can sing to be openly mocked by multi-millionaires for our viewing pleasure. It is exploitation and I truly love it, so shame on me.

Tonight's performers: (being typed as I watch them perform)

1. Von Smith, "You're All I Need To Get By" marvin gaye

Just looking at this guy makes me uncomfortable. He looks like he is about to get raped in the face. BORING. At this point, all I need to get by is a gun. Listening to this Marvin Gaye is glad his father shot him. WHAT!? Randy said it was "hot." Whatever he is on... and the other judges apparently, I need... I am still feeling under the weather.

2. Taylor Vaifanua, "If I Ain't Got You" alicia keys

I'm half asleep now thanks to Von... and I'm drifting back asleep. I can't even remember this girls name without looking at my computer screen to see what I typed. It isn't bad... just boring. It is going to be a rough night.

3. Alex Wagner-Trugman, "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" elton john

Now Alex actually looks like he was raped in the face and his eyes are permanently bugged at the memory. I love this song, I hope he doesn't ruin it for me. Why is he singing like that? Now he sound like he is being raped in the face. You choose the orifice. Brilliant comment by Simon: "like a hamster trying to be a tiger"

4. Arianna Afsar, "The Winner Takes It All" abba

Somebody saw Mamma Mia! this past summer. And unfortunately for us, it is Arianna. Yikes... Where did Marvin Gaye's dad put that gun?

5. Ju'not Joyner, "Hey There, Delilah" plain white t's

Because we have all not heard this song enough. I will say, I'm glad he is making it his own. He has a really nice voice, but this is becoming a bit boring. That might be because I've heard this song way too much.

6. Kristen McNamara, "Gimme One Reason" tracy chapman

I am quite fond of this song. She is ok... changed it up a bit, but she is not giving me any reason to vote for her. There is nothing else I could possible add here, negative or positive. Ok... one more: She looks like a Cabbage Patch Doll that got lost in Old Navy.

7. Nathaniel Marshall, "I Will Do Anything For Love" meatloaf

This is starting out like a karaoke version of a Better Midler version of Meatloaf. Ok... now he really kicked it in high gear... my guess is he would do anything for love. And probably has. Now I have to look away. You know, not watching it, the frustrating thing is that his actual voice isn't that bad. You have got to be kidding me. Simon just used my line, "my guess is you would" (do anything for love). Tough for him, I typed it first.

8. Felicia Barton, "No One" alicia keys

She seems to be in control of the song, although her voice just bailed with the "no one, none" bit. To be honest, when you take a song and sing it just like it already is, it will always remind me of karaoke or a high school talent show. I will say, she will win many a 4-H talent events.

9. Scott MacIntyre, "Mandolin Rain" bruce hornsby

Before he even begins... I love this guy. He is blind and that is the main reason. I will criticize his refusal to not wear sun glasses, but other than that, no matter how he sounds, I will vote for him repeatedly. I'm worried for him without a piano and just being on stage. Ok, smart move just sitting on a stool. Boring song, but is singing it well and seems to be enjoying it. Don't stand up. The sad thing is, not for him but for the other contestants, is that he has some serious stage presence. I also appreciate his refusal to look the judges in the eye when they are talking to him. Simon totally hit the nail on the head... very memorable. The blind thing is totally working for him. Seacrest just called him "Scotty the Body." Shut up Ryan. And he almost messed up the high-five... the onus is on Seacrest to make that happen. Scott even said it, "I'm a stationary target."

10. Kendall Beard, "This One's For The Girl" martina mcbride

I don't want to see the alligator dance again. She looks good, but this one is for the girls with a hearing impairment. I will say, her name is an awesome pirate name. Ok, I guess it's not horrible, I just don't like that southern-twang style of singing. I'm an intercontinental racialist. Unfortunately for her, the South doesn't rate particularly high in my book.

11. Jorge Nunez, "Dont Let The Sun Go Down On Me" elton john

First off, we all know Elton John would let a son go down him, just not the sun. Wow... really not that bad... I'm kind-of digging it. It is a combination of everyone else kind-of sucking and this not. I will say again, I don't like when it is the same song not at all made his own... however, you could hear his flavor on the song and he has some chops. I would've loved some Spanish thrown in there. I'm not saying slap a bongo and yell "Bobaloo," but give me some Jose Felicano and Spangish in there. Overall, not bad at all.

12. Lil Rounds, "Be Without You" mary j blige

Awesome name; that gets my vote right off the bat. And she can sing. Really sing.Awesome job... I wish she changed the song up a bit, but this girl has some serious, serious pipes. Did I mention her name?

My rankings:

1. Lil Rounds

2. Scott MacIntyre

3. Jorge Nunez (yeah, I'm surprised too)

The group tonight as a whole really screwed the pooch. Not good at all. Thinking back on the night, The only other performance I can remember is Ju'not's "Delilah." What I don't know is if I remember it because of him or because that song is annoying at this point and over-played. My guess is Thursday's Wild Card show is going to be a trainwreck... and I can't wait!

Of Birthays, Cake, Jesus, Little People and the Prospect of Hell

Birthdays are a reminder, not that we are getting older, but that we are growing farther away from the expulsion from our mother's uterus and other lady parts. There are some days I just want to get back in there. Wait... no... I don't want to feed my mother's clam my bracciole, but rather go back to the simplicity of when we were just born and everything was done for us. Nothing makes a birthday more sober than responsibility. All the things we have to be doing and need to do for our life to go on. I'll tell you what helps make a birthday better. Cake. Ice Cream cake to be exact. Do not waste my time with angel food and or anything of the like. Do not even look at me if you want fresh fruit involved in a birthday cake. It better be frozen and filled with chocolate crunchies separating two separate but equally important layers of delicious, creamy ice cream flavor. If it was up to me, my wedding cake would've had 12 Fudgie the Whales artfully tiered on one another. Some Fudgies would have had on a tuxedo while some a wedding dress (with veil). It would have been beautiful.

I just turned 27 and, while I'm happy in love, I'm not totally in love with how my time is spent. Jesus had it right... he waited until he was 30 before taking on responsibility. Then again, he only lived to 33½ and was allegedly in much better shape than me. Maybe I have only 6½ years left. Considering the way I eat and remain sedentary, that actually wouldn't be so bad. But what have I done with my time? We all waste so much time working and providing for ourselves and family that we lose out. Or are we working so we don't lose out? Either way, I want to have an adventure. I want to find a town like in Footloose and teach them how to dance and not be afraid of change. I want to run for political office and make promises I have no intention of keeping. I want to defend a small third-world nation's water supply and a horrible flesh-eating illness by wearing a plastic bracelet and a ribbon. I want to honk because 1. I am horny, 2. Jesus is my Co-pilot, 3. I hate reading bumper stickers, 4. I want to see your middle finger. I want to drive cross-country and eat at every greasy spoon I come across. I want to be in a movie that shows my bare, hairy ass for the world to take in and enjoy/become ill. I want to have sex with a midget. Sorry, that was not right. I want to have sex with a little person. My time frame has sadly already closed on that one (love you my beautiful wife!). Now I know what your thinking: what if my wife loses her legs, would that count? No. It wouldn't. I now want to have sex with a legless woman... in a wheel chair. I want to avoid hell. Maybe I should just be happy with my ice cream cake....

Happy birthday to me.

Put That Cookie Down!

I bought cookies on the way home from work tonight for my wife to bring to work tomorrow. I know they are not for me, but they kept calling to me and I finally caved in. I stole one and as to not get caught I ran to the bathroom for privacy to enjoy my stolen booty: one magical sprinkled sugar cookie. As I was about to take my first bite I looked up in the mirror and the guy looking back was not happy with me and gave me an earful:

Put that cookie down! What do you think you're doing? Honestly, have you seen yourself lately? What do you think this is, this thing philosophers and parole officers refer to as life? Do you think it's some sort-of festival that you can merely traipse through gobbling down every sort of snack food that throws itself at the feet of your taste buds? Well, friend (and soon, if you continue in this manner, I will no longer be your friend), that is not at all what it is. You cannot, you must not, you stepped in something and you will not continue on in this manner.And have you seen yourself lately? What in the red leather/yellow leather, toy boat and other vocal warm-ups commonly practiced by actors prior to a performance do you think you are getting yourself into? It's people like you who make a person like me feel compelled to say things about a person like you. Your physical appearance is so despicable that your friends, co-workers and relatives have begun whispering your name in conversation even though everything else they say is said in regular conversational tones.

Don't bite that cookie! Heavens to Betsy and this tray to the couple at table thirty-seven! You are going to find yourself clutching a one way ticket to a place that accommodates people who enjoy eating sweet things when they should be eating apples, and I don't mean the kind of apples that sit in front of you in chemistry class and why couldn't she be your lab partner instead of that Benny jackass who wouldn't know the periodic table representation of oxygen if it fell out of bed in the middle of the night and began crying for him.

Face it, you've gotten crumbs everywhere: in the couch, in the computer monitor, in the bed, here in the bathroom, in the sink, in the ottoman, in the still of the night, in the wonder years and in the observatory with the noose. It seems that the only solution is to cut off your hands and sew your mouth shut. Alright, well, perhaps I spoke too hastily and there are more humanitarian solutions to the problem. We will all have to get together as responsible, respectable citizens and discuss a fair and just and just a little to the left, oh, I think you got it, solution that benefits us all and doesn't make such a mess of the drapes whenever the wind blows.But for now, please put that cookie down... and remember to put the seat down.