Put That Cookie Down!

I bought cookies on the way home from work tonight for my wife to bring to work tomorrow. I know they are not for me, but they kept calling to me and I finally caved in. I stole one and as to not get caught I ran to the bathroom for privacy to enjoy my stolen booty: one magical sprinkled sugar cookie. As I was about to take my first bite I looked up in the mirror and the guy looking back was not happy with me and gave me an earful:

Put that cookie down! What do you think you're doing? Honestly, have you seen yourself lately? What do you think this is, this thing philosophers and parole officers refer to as life? Do you think it's some sort-of festival that you can merely traipse through gobbling down every sort of snack food that throws itself at the feet of your taste buds? Well, friend (and soon, if you continue in this manner, I will no longer be your friend), that is not at all what it is. You cannot, you must not, you stepped in something and you will not continue on in this manner.And have you seen yourself lately? What in the red leather/yellow leather, toy boat and other vocal warm-ups commonly practiced by actors prior to a performance do you think you are getting yourself into? It's people like you who make a person like me feel compelled to say things about a person like you. Your physical appearance is so despicable that your friends, co-workers and relatives have begun whispering your name in conversation even though everything else they say is said in regular conversational tones.

Don't bite that cookie! Heavens to Betsy and this tray to the couple at table thirty-seven! You are going to find yourself clutching a one way ticket to a place that accommodates people who enjoy eating sweet things when they should be eating apples, and I don't mean the kind of apples that sit in front of you in chemistry class and why couldn't she be your lab partner instead of that Benny jackass who wouldn't know the periodic table representation of oxygen if it fell out of bed in the middle of the night and began crying for him.

Face it, you've gotten crumbs everywhere: in the couch, in the computer monitor, in the bed, here in the bathroom, in the sink, in the ottoman, in the still of the night, in the wonder years and in the observatory with the noose. It seems that the only solution is to cut off your hands and sew your mouth shut. Alright, well, perhaps I spoke too hastily and there are more humanitarian solutions to the problem. We will all have to get together as responsible, respectable citizens and discuss a fair and just and just a little to the left, oh, I think you got it, solution that benefits us all and doesn't make such a mess of the drapes whenever the wind blows.But for now, please put that cookie down... and remember to put the seat down.